Recently, I went through a crisis of faith about myself and my writing career. (I deliberated using writing “career” there, but I am endeavoring to be more positive!)
I, like many, have doubts about whether or not I am cut out to be a writer. There are times when it seems all I ever wanted, and there are times when it seems like I am wasting a good chunk of my life. When the words won’t come and I am mired in procrastination, when I wonder what the hell I was ever thinking, when I get no bites after casting again and again…it’s frustrating. It’s easy to wonder if this is worth it all. And lately I was coming down on the side that it’s not worth it.
After a lot of self-examination and some good discussions with my boyfriend, who is my rock, I realized I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t walk away from one of my major goals and passions in life just because it was hard. What I really was looking for was permission from myself to stop feeling guilty about my lack of progress. But, in the end, that’s just not who I am. Permission denied. Faith must persist!
Perhaps faith is the wrong word. Faith is belief without evidence or reason, and I don’t think it’s a virtue. I don’t want to have faith in my writing. That would make me like one of those poor, misguided souls who puts their typo-ridden, substandard work out for Kindle and thinks they’ll sell a million copies. I should say instead that I want to have confidence in my writing. Because I do have reason to believe that I have decent skills when it comes to writing. I seek out feedback on my writing all the time, and of course I’m not the next coming of Ray Bradbury so it isn’t all positive, but enough of it is that I don’t think I’m just fooling myself.
So I just need to have confidence, and perseverance, and keep improving in my craft. And someday get lucky!