Sometimes I get so scared about writing. I know how many people out there want to be authors. Who doesn’t know someone who is “working on a book/novel”? I know that there are plenty of talented writers who never find the right agent or the right publisher, and their work slides into obscurity. I know that it takes more than talent to get published–and what if the cards are never dealt in my favor? What if I work my ass off, and I never get anywhere? This is just a hobby? I suppose I should say that it wouldn’t matter, and that I write for the joy of writing. And to a certain extent, of course, I do, or I wouldn’t write. But a lot of the times I write because I want to be a writer. I want to share my work, I want to have readers and yes, I want to work from home. And I know how incredibly unlikely that is. Most of the time I delude myself into thinking that I am somehow special, that of course someday I’ll get my break. But I have to deal with the fact that it may not ever happen. And what then? Will I still be willing to write novels for the sheer joy of it? Seeing as I have finished 3 complete manuscript drafts (not polished or ready to submit, of course), you would think the answer is yes. But more and more I realize the answer is no. It just takes so much time and effort, and at the end of the day, I can’t keep doing this for nothing.
But how long will it take me to realize it’s not going to happen? I’m still young; I still have that optimism of youth. Will I waste the prime years of my life spending hours hunched over a laptop, pondering the strength of my word choice and how long it takes to cook a meal on the road in a medieval fantasy world? Will I grow depressed as I receive rejection after rejection until I feel like a failure? There are so many books out there already, sometimes I have to wonder why I even try adding to it. Do I really have anything new or important to say?
These are, I think, normal fears for a writer. But that doesn’t make them any less real to me. I still have a few years yet before I abandon this dream, but lord how I hope I don’t have to!